Words, Visions, Dreams, Voices of an African Woman Expressed by Thulisa Qangule
Oh I know it wasn’t that long ago when I churned out the very last Chronicle and yet that was world ago for me. So many challenging things have taken place, such that I’ve been forced to grow in leaps and bounds within a very short space of time.
What was on my mind at the time was the alignment of self with what we think or assume we want, the importance of introspection to figure out what the best thing for ourselves is etc.
Sometime ago, I had to ask myself the same question in relation to my current job when my worth and value was questioned. You know what?
That actually triggered my own private questioning of the same thing and it was more difficult to get deadly honest and come up with an answer in that private space and I did.
I had to question my behavior (that’s the external self that is projected to the world & people are free to make their own judgments) and had to ask myself: “in what ways am I contributing to all this drama? “
Lessons from a conversation I had with someone close and dear to me, is that sometimes we feel one way, and we know, therefore we don’t see the need to express it differently or justify or explain it to the world, and yet, it does affect the world because whether we like it or not, we live in the world of perceptions, expectations, standards- or conventions. Very interesting feedback I got about my own self from this unnamed close party is that I tend to be elusive, sarcastic and at times very aloof.
I certainly did not approve of that description at first, and upon closer inspection, it is true.
I am elusive. I can talk all day and you would still not know a thing about a thing if I did not want you to know.
I am sarcastic, even when I don’t intent to be, I’ll crack a joke that will slice you up and much later when I’m gone and you start thinking about what I said, you might wanna go back and ask.
I am very aloof, I don’t really get expressive in a lot of spaces and about a lot of things, I often tend to walk away, figuring out if I really love something or hate it might take a while because I’m also very unpredictable. You might think you’ve got me to the tee and that’s the day I will lash at you and that could also be the day I break down or hold broken pieces together, so you never know.
Hmmm. Not as easy going as I thought I was ey…
I included the above because it is within this context that I realized that in the house that I live in, I am a stranger to the people I live with, in a lot of ways. In the place that I work in, I’m also a stranger to a lot of people and they only see the facets of me that require exposure within the work context and I’m still this character with a code that’s virtually un-crack able. That’s fine too. I’ll place myself in the box that’s labeled eccentric and then nobody has to ask any further questions of me. My duty in this world is not to spend my entire lifetime getting the world to understand me, but it is to get what I was put here by the Creator to do, do it well and bow out with utmost finesse.
Imagine that Leonardo Da Vinci did not do what he did, simply because he was the misunderstood artist in his times.
Imagine that Galileo did not sum up the courage to challenge the status quo because nobody understood the cosmos and science the way he did, in THOSE days.
Imagine Robert Nesta Marley dressed like the guys from THE TEMPTATIONS and spoke in a Black American Accent and also gave us sound that was copied and pasted from the USA’s Motown Record Label, and permed his hair like Michael Jackson or Lionel Richie.
Imagine that Rolihlahla Nelson Mandela did not speak in the accent that he speaks in and had a Model C twang.
And no, we’ll never all fully understand but somewhere deep down I think we all appreciate, and that’s what matters the most- I think.
I don’t have time to sit and dissect the way my car works and analyse it all day and night and try to understand it, but I know I appreciate it because it does what I need it to do and that’s to transport me safely from one place to the next, and with all the features and accessories that suit my needs.
I may not have the right to challenge your mind to start thinking in this way right now because this is my story, at the same time, I also believe that through my story, a lot of people can learn, relate, see the world from a different perspective and perhaps make sense of stuff that they too have seen, heard of or will en d up experiencing themselves and this gives them something to look at and say: “hey, I’m not the only one, so and so went through such and such and this is one of the ways to deal with this kind of thing”
I had a mild heart-attack sometime ago. Now, I had thought I had problems prior to that. Laughable now. Totally Laughable. When I came around and decided to keep going, the amount of energy my body took just to sustain me through the day got me to ignore everything else and focus on my breathing every now and again. 3 nights later, I felt these chest pains and pinches again and I was so scared to fall asleep, I thought I was not going to wake up in the morning. You know, when you wake up and see the sun and hear the rain and be grateful that you’re alive, and then everything else becomes so mundane, so petty, and so irrelevant. Let me just tell you that a heart attack takes place in just a few seconds and you could be gone, in seconds. I almost was
Even as I type this, I can feel heart murmurs-yes, ,it’s all stuff that I never experienced just 2 weeks ago and now suddenly its part and parcel of my life and a constant reminder to be grateful for every little thing.
Just as I was trying to digest that, a relative of mine over the last weekend, had a stroke and temporarily lost her ability to speak. Now… I think I’ve abused my ability to speak so much (laughs) that I even forgot that it’s not something that everyone can do, nor is it something to take for granted. She spoke to her son over the phone, seconds later, she was hit by a stroke and an hour later when we saw her, she could speak no more.
Just as I was trying to deal with THAT, I fell ill on Monday. Dizziness, Nausea, Feeling Weak, Constant Headache, Tension in my neck muscles, faintness in my feet and stiffness of the left arm every now and again. Let me tell you, I was okay when I drove to work and within 2 hours I was a wreck. Immobilized by illness.
When I got to the doctor, what was found was a blood disorder, and that’s what led to the mild heart attack to start off with and that’s why I felt the way I did. I slept like I never have before to the point where I could not write and sms without sleeping. It took me an hour to type a response to my boss because I typed two words, fell asleep, woke up 10 minutes later, typed one other sentence, passed out-found the phone laying on my stomach, typed the rest of what I was saying and on and on it went. To think I had woken up feeling okay and gone to work hours before that was just insane.
I was fine yesterday morning and at around lunchtime, I was back in hell in terms of how my body was feeling and strangely enough , only those who seem to know me well enough noticed because everyone else expected me to the my usual bubbly self and that I should continue working and being productive etc.
Today’s been better, much better. Productive and only so when my focus has been on self and doing what Thuli must do and taking it easy. My lesson has really been about detaching from everything and everyone else that is not within my immediate scope or sphere of influence and take things one at a time and I’ll be fine. Feels like being a kid re-learning how to do stuff all over again. The dull headache is still there almost permanently and I’ve just got used to it, every now and again I get the heart murmur or strain but I know how to handle that, and I’m still laughing and cracking jokes and smiling but mentally, spiritually, I am worlds away. I am dealing with my soul contract on this earthly realm, whether I will renew it or not, and if so, what the terms and conditions of my continued stay here will be, oh yes-we’re all visitors on this earth and lets please not forget it.
Being able to cross over to the spiritual realms, I’m walking that fine line between the two worlds and I can see how I can continue existence as a spirit in the other realm and also how I can continue living life as a human being on this realm too.
De-programming all rubbish and Re-programming my life, with the realization that I have limited time, the clock has ticked and has tipped beyond 3 decades and approaching 40 and from a family where people tend to bow out between age 40-55, that’s not an awful lot of mileage left at all.
Realizing that I could bow out at any time, my starting point is:
If I were taken now, would I be okay?
Surprisingly, my answer is: Yes.
I have forgiven where I have had to. I have let go of even those things that I thought were vital and necessary and important, for most of them are based on earthly desires and comforts that are nice, but not necessary to have in terms of my soul development- and that’s if God decided that my time is up.
Next: “have I left anything unsaid or unexpressed?”
The answer: No
I believe that everyone in my life right now knows where they stand and that’s because, even when it is very uncomfortable, I whip out those ‘under the carpet’ issues and get them out there such that, I would not expect anyone to come and tell me that they did not know whatever it is they did not know. That would only happen if they did not take me seriously, understand me or actually listen to me.
And the meaning of the above is?
Anything I have not been able to do, I have not been able to do and is circumstantial. Anything else that has been a bother, designed by a human being, ill intentions or anything else that I don’t know about is actually none of my business right now, God and the Higher Powers of the Cosmos will deal with that, I am more than certain of that power and capability.
It sounds perfect doesn’t it?
So why all the illness etc?
Everything accumulates towards something. I’ve been so strong and resilient; to a point of fault because I’ve summed up strength at times when what was going on has been a clear cut case of grave injustice either to self or the very nature of the situation.
All the pain I’ve incurred on the emotional level is backfiring and releasing and the physical point is the heart. Heart-Break = Heart Issues.
The circumstances surrounding my birth and many things I will not mention relate to the blood-line, and so it is not surprising in the very least that I am manifesting blood disorders.
Feeling weak and run out, and dizzy etc…that stems from all the times I’ve been beat by people, victimized, accused of things and left in the lurch without any support, vertigo (dizziness) is the lack of the physical body to support itself.
My body is simply positioning itself as my life’s mirror right now, and there’s no way to run, nothing to deny and no carpet to shove it under. If anyone feels guilty at any of it, it’s a simple a gesture as to ask:
“Do you see what you’ve done to me?”
This also means that the times to be strong for others has come to an abrupt end.
It means that I no longer have any capacity to be used for anything beyond what is tolerable by reasonable standards.
It means that, because I’ve been strong all this time, even those who have been killing me without knowing it, have the chance to see it and deal with it too.
It means that I have to take care of myself, turn my attention and focus inwards, resonate the healing energy that I so freely give to others unto self and start afresh.
This is the new kind of LG, Letting Go. Yesterday afternoon, I decided to pray and lay my hands on the part of my body that was aching at the time and just resonate the energy of healing and love, and you know what? I felt better.
I feel better, such that I am able to get this chronicle out today, but am not 100s yet and might never actually get there, to that level again, and so those who know me at my best…y’all are lucky…and to those who have to put up with me and deal with me as things are now…welcome the new Thuli.
This Chronicle is probably the least entertaining and ‘mind grabbing’- the way I write is the way I think and feel and this too is a reflection of where and how I’m @ right now. That’s how honest I am about my state of mind, even when I’m crazy- I’ll find ways to let you see and feel so, my people.
This Chronicle has been put out there by me, to get you to do some thinking about your own life. I don’t want this to become a mere tea-time subject about what Thuli is going through and for some, a way of getting around saying: “oh I thought I had problems but eish…uh uh Thuli…she’s in deep dooh dooh” coz that’s how some people make themselves feel better neh…NO! I’m beyond that. This is meant for you to take this, relate it to your own life, and where you’re at and think about if this were you, right now, sudden heart attack…how clear and ready would you be to go? And why? And …if there’s a lot of cleaning in your life to be done…get to it. Err, if you end up bowing out at age 80, then at least you’ll have such an amazing time after the clean-up you’ll be eternally grateful for having done so.
If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the colour of the evening sun
Tomorrow’s rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay
Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetime’s argument
That nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could
For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are
On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star
Like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are
How fragile we are
LYRICS to the song titled: FRAGILE
I’m about being the person God intended for me to be on this earth, from here on until the day I drop my physical body & my spirit eternally joins the celestial realms. Everything is a lesson learned, a lesson taught, a moment shared, a lifetime borrowed for it is not really ours and…some of us are never meant to be here for too long for we come here, do what we do, return to the heavens with evidence, end up guiding some e of the ones we’ve met in this journey as guardian angels, even if we start doing so while alive and in human form. Some of us are younger in spirit and need more time and lessons here than others. If you acknowledged the Godliness of everyone you came across, you’d actually have a much easier time understanding what I am saying here as well. Well done if you do.